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Saturday, March 6, 2004 time: 11:56am Post #195 For me, i know that i spend alot of time at my computer, so my comptuer desk canget pretty cluttered. Like i have papers and poptarts and stuff all over. But you know what really bites the dust? when you have a pop on the desk, and you take a drink. Then your mind RACES to come tot he conclusion that the pop is 2 weeks old, and flat as water without its carbination.... yah... I had track this morning. My dad calls me and is all like "your a captian, so you should go" and i was all like "why you gotta get all up ons?!" and he was like "i aint getten all up ons, i just think you should be a supportave captian" and i replied with "you dont know me dad! im want to be a poet!!" and he said "shut up, your embarassing me" So i shut up.... Ok so maybe there are some misquotes. Im so good a spelling.... A+ speller. So BACK OFF SUCKAS!!! ~Steve Friday, March 5, 2004 time: 4:57pm Post #194 Ok, so maybe Casie doesnt dacne alone... so maybe i made that up.... maybe yup! I need to do laundry. I always feel better when my room is is clean and there isnt crap all over. Dont you agree? My hads are still really cold from track, cause all i did was stand around with a clipboard. anyway, to day was a good day at school. Pretty basic, except im sucking in physics, and i need to start paying attention again, insted of building paper robots with tape... Wakka wakka! WEll im goen to the Song Ghow. I mean Gong show. In a while. For fun. I like fun. Do you like fun? do you like to sing? i do. in the shower. with shampoo. in my hair. before school. "GANGSTAFIED!!!" ~ russians Ok, maybe tey didnt say that... but they should, dont you think?!!??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!|!|!!>??!@ :P :) :0 B) :B) ~Steve Thursday, March 4, 2004 time: 9:15pm Post #193 Whats worse than getting your finger slammed in a car door? Popups. Not that i got my finger smashed, but it sure sounds better than flippen popups all over. I went to school today. Cool huh?! Well i should explane my last post. I met with steph, and it was pretty emotional for me. It was my time to let go, say my goodbyes, and let her know that i honestly have no regrets. anyway, im doing alot better emotionaly today, and actuayl i was fealing better after i finished crying.... which was with my parents, but anyway. God is taking care of me, and i know i can say that, and no one can do it better than him. So yah, rock on emo steve. Track is getting alot better for me. Im getting back in shape, fealing a little strength comming back to my "legs." and yah, i ran a nice slow OV today, and i yelled at freshman the ENTIRE time. Im such a nazi.... hahaha nazi... wait. crap. I had a technology plan update comette meeting tonight. They use alot of big words... like master and stuff like that. WOO TRIPPY! Tell me if this is wierd.... Im 18, but i havent smoked yet. MAybe its not. oh well! Casie and I are getting to know eachother alot better as time goes on. Shes a very cool girl, and i am SO happy that we are on the same page about what we want to be. Good friends, and it has been a blast! Things are looking good for the future... And Casie... you owe me SO MANY M&M's for so many reasons... like keeping secrets... and not getting to hear a solo.... well thats only 2 reasons, but more will come up! I sure have alot of paragraphs in this post. Everytime i make a new paragraph, i have to type br br in "html" language. Not too hard... Gong show tomorrow. I know alot of people who are in acts, and alot of them are really nervous about waht th crowd is going to do during thier acts. I can imagine mitch hermes drunk yelling GONG IT and throwing his clothes on the stage or something... oh that mitch... But all in all it should be a good experacne. Oh, and by the way. Skates, if you read this, im going to be using one of those cupons soon, so be ready. So yah, this is a major transition stage for me... alot of things in my life are changing. Like college. I got a letter from WWU saying shut up your "hella" gay.... no not quite, but it did say that i was still being reviewed. Thats good then.... right? So yah, i think we should all hold our breaths untill that packet gets here that says "Yay steve rydman, you get everything in the world!" It says something like that i think. I need to do laundry... Skates, i needed a cupon for that. DAnce.... especially when no one is watching. if your in your room by your self, then dance. Let loose and let your fealings flow. Turn it up loud, or else you feel kinda goofy. Some people in the world are natrually good at that.... *caugh* casie *caugh*. Excuse me.... I told you this was long adge.... And to end it all, as the russian dudes would say: "Ok" ~Steve Wednesday, March 3, 2004 time: 7:03pm Post #192 I needed that... ~Steve Wednesday, March 3, 2004 time: 4:49pm Post #191 Well i am offically an adult. So i have decided this is what im going to do with my new rights...
And the best part of that will be...
Yah, thats "hella". But i think cigs is a dirty word, so i will skip that step. Anyway, im gonna go talk to steph today. A final DTR if you will... anyway im actualy excited. Today has been a great birthday... I LOVE YOU MOMMY!And remeber everybody... the world does not hate you... except when you wear ugly shoes. Or if your name starts with "M" and ends with "arty." The world hates those people too.... ~Steve Tuesday, March 2, 2004 time: 9:56pm Post #190 So i went to see the passion of christ. I had a different response to it than alot of people do, becase my mindset was alot diferent. While watching, i kept thinking how loved i am that i will never have to go through that, because Jesus did it for me. He took Joy knowing that he was saving my life. I thank him tons for everything he has done for me. I did not cry, but i think thats because of other reasons too... I am sooo freaken sore. you have no idea. Maybe you do if you ahve seen me, cause its pretty bad. anyway, tomorrw is a big day for me. Not only is it my birthday, but i am going non stop from 6:00 in the morning, to 10:00 at night. Yes its a block day, but i have a site councel meeting during star time. then after track im meeting with steph, then yah, more college stuff then yg. Flippen A. Good night Childhood! ~Steve Tuesday, March 2, 2004 time: 5:08pm Post #189 Last night i learned a really valuble lesson. You can not convince yourself that your emotions are different than they are. Let me explane: I thought that i was falling out of love, that my fealings were going away. I was wrong. I still love stephanie, and its not hat i havent been trying to stop, my fealings are just there. I want to move on, get rid of the fealings and turn the page in my life. Im not dwelling on the past, the past is just biteing at my ankles. Tomorrow is my birthday, and the thing im looking most forward to is being able to meet up with steph, and talk to her. I have missed her. as a girlfreind and as a freind. Im trying to elt God take care of my emotions, and i have absoutly no clue what is in store. Im jsut going to let him show me when he feels im ready. I have also been real fortinute latly to get to know Casie. Shes a cool girl, and im looking forward to becoming her friend. I dont want any sort of relationship, because as i said above, im both not ready, and im not sure if i even want one. well we taked openly about everything today, and it was cool. Shes in the same boat as me, but not. Caise, rock on you Chormädchen. (Choir girl in german). I get to see the passion today, and im pretty stoked. Im ready to be shocked. Bracing myself. Track is tiring for me. I trained speed over the winter, but now we are doing strength endurance crap. Ug. yay. one day till my birthday!. ~Steve Monday, March 1, 2004 time: 6:37pm Post #188 Wow, i am as tired as.... somethng really tired after it did alot of stuff. I had zeroperiod. Which i ran to and from. and i did the leg press. alot, so my legs are shot. Then i did the good ol full day of school. then track! whcih involved a huge workout. i felt it major, and now im here at home. i took a nap for an hour, and im gonna take another soon. after 1st period i was given the wonderfull privlidge to walk and talk. that was great! anyway, my candle died. It ran outta super sweet wax. oh well. BED TIME! so that i can wake up at 10:00 and not be able to fall back asleep. hella birthday on wed. wooooooooooo ~Steve Sunday, February 29, 2004 time: 3:48pm Post #187 Ha, ui was informed by someone that i havent posted enough latley..... arg :), well this has been a good weekend. I went on the mens retreat for my church, and that was really cool. Especially wehn marty tried to hit me with his bible, and he missed. then he hit the dude infront of me, and tried to blame it on me. But i was too busy laughing. I also got the nickname of wall gazelle, because of the rock wall. After i Got back from the retreat, i was given some bad news. My secret was revieled, and i owe a specific girl a punch in the teeth. Im gonna keep it anonomus, and jsut call her A. Bogen. Oh well, i dont think her boyfriend, whom ill also call A. Potter (so no names are given out) cant save her. Ha, im joking.... or am i? So yah, im the mystery guy. But it was a fun night. Played some cards. Lost some money. Lost some more money... Ran out of money. You know how it is, the normal patter for my poker abiliti. Track starts tomorrow. Crap. I mean sweet. I dotn know waht im going to do for my early dismissal. Probably go buy peanutbutter m&m's because i have a love for them. Well im at matt laws house with my computer too, so im going to go play mad amounts of video games. See yah! ~Steve Friday, February 27, 2004 time: 5:17pm Post #186 Today was pretty "tight." I did alot of things different. Fist off, i chose to go to ALL my classes. Thats pretty cool. I mainly went to school today so i could be there after 1st, and that was "tight." Then i ate lunch in the drama room. Kinda different, but it was fun. People were like "what are you doing here?" but jamie, lisa, zak and a few others made me feel welcome. So that was fun, and i will do it again soon. And you see the zombie thing on my page? yah, thats gangster and a little more. Watch that for hours... Im goen on the mens retreat tonight. Its only one night, so it will be short and sweet. There is a really good speaker i hear, so im pretty excited to listen to him. Happy days are comming. Steph is doing well, and im glad. I really dont feel the same way about her as i did a week ago, and im really glad. I moved on, and i can say that with confedence. Woo hoo! ~Steve Thursday, February 26, 2004 time: 6:15pm Post #185 Matt J and i have the "hella" strait club, and you can tell by my updated test results below, that it holds true. Anyway, mike is over, or was, then her ahd to go but he may spend the night tonight. Cause his family took over his living houe room bed lantern. Anyway, Today was a good day, and im moving on very nicley at this point. Im a tank of moving on-ness.... i dont think on-ness is a word, but neither is Waaquarium. It should be though. Im going to make that word mean... Amazing beauty, beyond belief. So yah, if your going to say waaquarium, you had better mean it. Well i wanted to post cause posting is what all the cool kids do, and when i dont post all the cool kids make fun of me and call me names such as "not cool." Tears..... You still like the music playing? If you do post a comment.... Comments Yah, you want to play that untill your computer overheats... which mine does.... and then i ahve to put a fan behind it, and keep it on so i dont use a big melted piece of metal insted of a computer. ~Steve Wednesday, February 25, 2004 time: 10:27pm Post #184 Today was a sweet day. I woke of for weight training, then came home and took a nap... which lasted 3 hours.... So i missed all of 2nd period block. So i came in 3 seconds late for physics, then went to lunch, then went back, then went hope cause i have early dismissal. Good day of hard work! So yah, then mike came over later and we lanned with his top lap. And then i went to youth group and relaxed and enjoyed myself. Then I got in my car and drove to matt laws to drop of his chips, then i drove home. Then i walked in the door, and talked to my sister, then my parents, then i walked upstairs. I then sat at my computer and began typing on this journal post. My story gets more detailed because it was more recient, and i forget things after 11 hours and 14 minutes. It kinda sucks. Oh well. Life is getting alot better for me. Music is a wonderful thing. Enya is just so relaxing. I have noticed alot of change in me over these past few days. Like, this kinda music that your listing to rigth now used to get me emotional, but now it just chills me. I smile alot more now, and im becomming a happy person again. Yay! Well im excited for woof this weekend. Its going to be "gangster!" Well time for me to get some sleep so i can go in tomorrow. Good night! ONE WEEK UNTILL MY BDAY!! ~Steve Tuesday, February 24, 2004 time: 10:01pm Post #183 Yah, we played poker for our fun week of bible study. I lost because i suck. I even suck at luck games. Oh well. I have been praying alot for my emotional state, and i think it has been getting alot better. I asked God to give me some answers, and he is working through a book, and it has helped me alot. Like some thing i read make me look to the past, and get frustrated, but alot of it helps me to look to the future. There is Love after the lose of Love. I may not love a girl again, the way i love steph, but thats because she is my first, and everything was just so crazy. Ill have more of an idea when i get into a future relationship, so it wont be the same. But it will be there, and that is good hope. Im a fan of hope. It gets me in trouble alot, but so do alot of things. Do i analyaze things too much? Yes. Can i help it? Maybe, or im atleast trying to. Either way im starting to think more logical. And i starting to think of other things becides steph, which is huge progress. Anyway, so if you have been praying for me, please keep doing so. I can feel the impact of them, and its a very good thing. Have a good night everyone, and ill see some of you at flippen 6:20 in the morning even though its a block day. GAy zero period. Yes, the zero period class likes other Zero period classes. Icky. See this test results below? I was really suprides that im emotionaly stable. And 82% artistic? What the heck? Ha, oh well. My sisters results make me laugh. Goodnight! ~Steve Monday, February 23, 2004 time: 3:19pm Post #182
~Steve Monday, February 23, 2004 time: 2:59pm Post #181 Today was an alright day. At one point i felt soo sick i wanted to just get up and go home. But not like going to throw up sick, but more, emotionaly sick. I jsut read something that threw me off alot, but its all good. It shoulnt even be an issue, so im not going to make it one. I have choices i need to make, and the sooner the better. Its not easy, and its been pretty hard to make them. I have felt alot closer to God latley. Its been really nice to start to get back to where i want to be spiritually. There was this thing i used to do, like last year, and i havent dont it sense, but im doing it again. Its crazy how much it helps me. Im also not doing soemthing else, and its going to be a challenge, but im determined, so yah. Today the thoughtn of Prom crossed my mind. I dont have a clue what im going to do. At least its not untill may 22 or soemthing. Good thing too, because the more time the better. Track starts in a week! WOOP! I just ran and im really tired. I worked my calfs hard core today in zero period, and then i ran st andrews. Flippen a, so im dead tired. Im gonna go to a christian meeting tonight for athletes. Im "stoked." And john, i would estamate that it would take about 20 million cans to fill your house. Maybe 19,999,993 or something, but i thik im pretty close. ~Steve Sunday, February 22, 2004 time: 5:47pm Post #180 Church is excelent. It just bring so much happy to me. I love singing songs, especially to God, and getting to know people more, and praying. Getting Closer to God is just flat out the best thing the world has to offer. Im reading this book that steph gave me, and i have just learned alot. So many things we did wrong as a couple, but im glad im learning from it. I have also made a decision. I am not going to even think about dating anyone else untill college. Its only a few months away, so it shoulnt be too hard. Steph and i talked today, and it was just nice. To joke around with her, and make her laugh and call me dumb. Something that has not happened in a long time. I really hope her small group gets up and going soon. Tomorrow night is my small group, and its going to be tight. It's "fun week," so we are going to play poker. Gangster or what? Yah. Well i really enjoyed my break, and i hope everone else did too. Unless you didnt have break. Sucks for all of you. Har har har. ~Steve Sunday, February 22, 2004 time: 1:09am Post #179 AMtt jacobs just smashed his head on my desk. It was kinda funny, but scary. He was reading a book, and then he stoped and stood up. Then he just colapsed to his knees. Then he was all "What happened" and i started laughing, while imagineing what marty would do if he saw that. it was funny. I jsut got back from matt laws. Good times, watching movies. Off the wall excitment. Yee haw. ~Steve Thursday, February 19, 2004 time: 9:58pm Post #178 Twas a good night tonight. A better night last night just because but it was a good night tonight too. I went to the silver tips game, and that was fun. Except there were no freaken fights and that was crap. But Marty and I got on the big screen cause we danced so flippen sweetly. Oh well, we didint get the dinner becase we got tired, but oh well. Then i went to poker and didnt play because i dont liek to gamble anymore. It is becoming a bad habit, and i want to quit. And its not fun anymore either. Mike braught his pipe, but i didnt bring mine. I wanted to take a break. And i hope that means something so some people. Anyway, yah, so i took brett home and now im chillen. Have a great night everone! Oh, and Steph, go to hella. ~Steve Thursday, February 19, 2004 time: 9:58pm Post #177 I had youthgroup Last night and it was alot of fun. I got to be a small group leader becasue eliz was sick :(. That went really well, and the group had alot of fun. I saw Steph again while i was there, for the first time in almost a week. It wa really hard beause i just kept thinking how beautifual that girl is, and how i was able at one point to say she was mine. But those times are over, and even today i still have to convince myself today. Its getting easier to not think about her and stuff, but it still sucks. Im skrewed if im by myself. I just get all depressed and start thinking aobut how stupid i was and its too late now and crap like that. And it doesn't help that yesterday was our would be 6th month annaversary. So John spent the night last night, which makes things alot better. He can also relate to me too. He Downloaded a buch of classical music, and alot of piano. Good stuff. Well im gonna go play some "hella" starcraft. Steph, i hope you dont feel that im a jerk. I'm sorry for everything and maybe someday much later on down the line we can be friends again. ~Steve Tuesday, February 17, 2004 time: 12:26pm Post #176 Well god is testing me again. Patience is a good thing, and luckly God has an infinate supply of it, and im just asking for some. I have been really enjoying my break so far. Chillen with friends, and its just been great. Did you sill Hillarys Website? I like it. Oh, and dont bother going to matt js site. Its "hella" boring. ~Steve Tuesday, February 17, 2004 time: 4:45pm Post #175 MY Pipe Its from Ireland. ~Steve Tuesday, February 17, 2004 time: 4:38pm Post #174 Im finding out that when im not with people, i get sad. I need to be with people jsut about all the time. i have bible study tonight, so that will be good. Last night i hung out with erik for the first time in a long time. We went to a park, and i smoked my pipe, and we just chilled. We drove around alot, and ended up at his house. So yah, thenw e hung out at mine and it was tight. We stayed up untill 4:30 then fell asleep to little mermaid. I want to do something tonight. I was thinking aobut how bad my breath is going to be if i smoke my pipe all the time, so i decided that whenever i smoke, im going to brush my teeth. Ladies, if its a huge turn off that i smoke a pipe, well then im glad for a few reasons. One: I dont need any ladies right now. Two: I only want a girl who likes me for me. anyway, im going to go do nothing, probably clean my room and be stupid. "Latez" ~Steve Monday, February 16, 2004 time: 10:47pm Post #173 Freedom is comming. I Got a pipe from my dad. It is really cool, and really nice. Its fun to smoke, and i got a bucket load of tabackie, so im set for a while. Im going to be spending alot of time just sitting on my back porch, smoking my pipe, looking at the trees, and sky, and yah. Its relaxing. I dont knwo if i need relaxing or not, but i need something. I need to be with people, i know that much, or else i just go insaine. or play lots of video games. Those are nice because you get sucked into another world, and it is just nice. You dont think about yourself at all. Your totaly not selfish. Kicken. Well erik called, and we are going to go smoke pipes. Wicked. Have a great night, and keep me in your prayers. Steph, im sorry for hurting you, but i dont think you can understand this one. Please enjoy your life, becuase it will help me to enjoy mine. ~Steve Monday, February 16, 2004 time: 5:19pm Post #172 I need lots of time and space. Im exausted, and last night just pushed me over the top. I did not fall asleep untill 3:30, and alot of that time was spent crying and just being frustrated. I am not helping any situation, so i am going to stop back from all of them. It is time to turn the page in my life, and move on. Im tired. It got to the point where i could not take anymore. I do not think we are meant to be even friends. IT is too taxing on my emotions, and i have made absoutly zero progress when it comes to getting over her. It has been a month now, so i should be making some progress. But last night was major break down. My heart is raw, and im just poring salt on it. People just dont seem to understand why im hurting so badly. anyway, i need to go do something else becides think aobut this. I have never felt so weak in my life. I feel betrayed. But i dont care, becuase this is no longer my situation. Im running from it. ~Steve Monday, February 16, 2004 time: 2:02am Post #171 What am i suppost to think after reading that? Do I have a right to get really pissed? Do I have a right to just curl up and cry, because right now thats all i want to do. I want to cry, and punch things really hard and freaken break my arm then die. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh. What the hell, honestly. Now i feel so much worse than i already did, and im just pised. I mean what the hell, honestly? Everyone seems to understand, and that is frustrating. Im not being dumb am i? and becides, who did not see it comming? I sure did, He has only liked her for the past like year, and we broke up the first time because of that, among other things. And now that we are done, hes moving in. again. I was always hoping things would turn out differently, but guess what? They dont. These past few monthgs, it seems like absoutly nothing is going well. Ill tell you waht though, i was shocked. I feel lied to, and i feel shafted. I feel empty. But who cares? thats all i have been is shafted. I try so hard to be what i feel like i need to be, but im doing it all, and getting nothing but pain back. what did i do wrong? I feel in love, was that my mistake?! I DONT GET IT AND THERE ARE NO ANSWERS. I feel really lied to, by too many people. I need a punching bag. Time to run away from pain. ~Steve Sunday, February 15, 2004 time: 5:22pm Post #170 Im learning that i cant spend time alone. When i do, my negitive emotions start to kick in. I dont know how that makes me feel. I dont think im depressed, but maybe i am. Cause like, when im wiht people im fine. I have been overly frustrated as of late, but thats not the same thing. When im by myself, i feel depressed. I dotn know. I need joy and peace. ~Steve Sunday, February 15, 2004 time: 2:32pm Post #169 Im spell checking all my Journals..... It is going to take forever. Im done with text 1, and thats only grammer errors. so yah. Im not fealing well right now. Im being "Extra Emo" Crap. I dont want to do anyhting, but just like getinto my bed, and slip away. Ill be back later. ~Steve Sunday, February 15, 2004 time: 12:05pm Post #168 Yah, so my computer has had a virus these past few days, and I just cleaned it off, so now I can post again. It got to my windows directory, and it wouldn’t let me edit html files, which is exactly how I update this thing. So yah, I haven’t died. Well yesterday was Valentines Day, and it was "hella" cool. John and I (mostly John) made this huge fancy dinner for matt and Danielle, and it took all day. But it was a lot of fun, and I can drive a stick now, and it was a lot of fun. John and I are becoming better and better friends. We can relate on a lot of things, and I have never argued with him about anything. Well I was the waiter, and john was the chef for the dinner. I wore a tux, and it was actually kind of fun. I wouldn’t mind being a waiter for Denny’s. Maybe John and I could start one. ha. He made the best clam chowder ever. Then Fah-Lay Men-Yawn. I can’t spell, so I wrote out the sounds. I missed church today. I set my alarm for 8:00 so I could make the student leadership meeting. Well nice job moron Steve, you forget to actually turn the alarm on. So I woke up at 11:00, so I missed the meeting, then I missed church. So now I'm at home stranded, because both cars are at church, and everyone is at the mall eating lots of good food. Well, not much I can do now. I started writing a song today. I know enough guitar to start doing that, and I really like what I have so far. I have a chorus, and a bridge, and a verse. So I kicked hiney today. Well, it’s a sad song, so it kind of got my mood down. The group is going bowling today, and as of now, I don’t feel like going. I feel like just sitting here and typing on this thing and doing cool stuff to my web page, and I don’t know. So yah. Shannon was my valentine. She got me milky ways (my favorite), a giant Hershey kiss, and a little M&M mini guy. I named him Fah Lay Meauller. He brought me good luck at the poker table, until mikes pocket 5's gave him the full boat on the river, beating my pocket 9's for top 2 pair. Well I owned him the money, so it was all good. Anyway, I’m going to end this now, and if I think of more to type, I will put it up later. ~Steve Thursday, February 12, 2004 time: 7:14pm Post #167 Crap. Even sent me a story, and it was the most disgusting thing i have ever read in my life, it makes me want to barf and cry all at the same time. AHHHHH. I want a laptop. ~Steve Thursday, February 12, 2004 time: 5:58pm Post #166 Ok, new page, just have to get something up. New theme too. I hope you like it. If you don’t, cry me a river. ~Steve |