|
Thursday, February 12, 2004 time: 5:49pm Post #165 Today was a good day. I was able to relax, and get my mind off of things. A few things happened during the day that braught soem memories back, and made me think, then get frustrated, but then i remembered this is no longer my issue. I gave it to God, and he is taking care of it. No more need for me to worry. My need now is to give love to people again. Not small talk love, but true caring and understadn for people, to let God truly work for me. That will make me happy. I hope people are having a good week. Im trying to, and not doing to badly. See yah! ~Steve Wednesday, February 11, 2004 time: 10:16pm Post #164 Steph and i are both much better off without eachother. I know it now, and it makes me sad that i just hit me now. We dont click. And we never had a base friendship, so now its ahrd to figure out what to do. Oh well, all i can do is let God do it for me. I was thinking about this when i went to mike's house today: Steph will find a guy who is like her with relationships. I really card alot aobut it, and wanted to put lots of time into it becuase thats what i believe a relationship should be. Well she doesnt believe that as much, and thats 100% cool. She will find some guy who cares like she does, and because of that they will be happy together. Its not bad that she doesnt do as much in the relationship, it just needs to be true for both people. So yah, on the other hand, i will find some girl who cares like i do, and it will all come together. Thank you God foropening up my eyes. I wanted to talk to steph tonight about some things, but she didnt come. I know why, so its all good, ill just tell her later. Well life has been good. Im currently working on getting my joy back. Not ryan's joi, but God given joy. Genuine joy that flows out of me endlessly. kinda like what john has. Or brooke. Maybe i just feel stunted cause im sick and tired. Well its late now, and my nose is a waterfall of snot. Goodnight! ~Steve Tuesday, February 10, 2004 time: 10:05pm Post #163 I dont change posts, but i want to say soemthing. Steph and i was not her fault. She was not all like "steve, you suck i dont want to date you" like that at all. Both of us are not in a emotional state to be in a relationship, especially with eachother. I dont want any one to come to that conclusion. I still really value stephanie as a friend and as a person. She still means the world to me, and i want her to be happy. Alot of the times i make it out that shes not a good person, but thats because im just giving myside of the story the entire time, but i have made alot of mistakes. She is alot more patient than me, and does alot better at looking at the big picture. She also has the ability to put her own fealings aside, if the situation asks for it. I wish i was better at that. I didnt fall in love with the girl you would know from this site. I fell in love with the girl you talk to, and you will know exactly what i mean when you see ehr at school, and you see the power of her eyes, and the warmth of her smile, and her stupid retarded humor. ~Steve Tuesday, February 10, 2004 time: 5:55pm Post #162 Feelings This is the answer to your question, Skates. ~Steve Tuesday, February 10, 2004 time: 3:37pm Post #161 I am a very skrewed up person right now. steph said i wanst mature for a relationship. shes right. Im not even mature enough to take on the task of being her friend with out skrewing it up. Im having alot of internal frustration, alot of searching with no result. I feel like im on hold, but my life is going on wiht out me. College is comming. But im stunted. Im numb. And im lost. Im weak and yah, i dont know how i will be able to take care of my future wife. Im really scared. ~Steve Monday, February 09, 2004 time: 10:57pm Post #160 Mood: Pissed. I am so frustrated right now im ready to go punch a wall and break my hand and then yell as loud as i can and break my keyboard from typing. I cant belive it. I feel better when i talk to other girls. That is total crap. I feel better talking to people who dont ask me about it, and can let me get my mind off of it. I only asked Steph to be my girlfreind again last night, and now she thinks im.... I cant believe it. I jsut want o swear really loud and like kick something. I love that Girl soooo much. I cant even put it into words what im willing to do for her. But i dont accept her?! I cant belive that. I have onyl done everything i can, sacrificed everything i have for her, so that i might be able to understand her that much more. What the hell am i doing wrong?! I hate love. Right now my heart is going to explode in the most painfull way possible. then im going to knee myself in the face. I talked with katie, and i think i helped her. Im glad, sense we used to be good friends. Thanks katie. And alex's analogy actualy made sense. it was perfect. ~Steve Monday, February 09, 2004 time: 7:55pm Post #159 Im fealing cold and alone right now. I need comfort, and im trying to look to God for it. Some times i really hate love. It is just skrewing me over. Where is the happy? ~Steve Monday, February 09, 2004 time: 9:38am Post #158 Im in love, and will be for a while. I love steph, and i am going to do whatever she needs, wether its be there for her as a best friend, or hold her as a boyfriend. Obveouslty i have a prefrence, but its not my choice, nor is it my need that matters. Steph, i will always be here for you. ~Steve Sunday, February 08, 2004 time: 2:49pm Post #157 Wow, im really not doing as well as i wish. Im going through big withdrawls, and its really hard. I have to stop my self from doing things i know arnt good for what im trying to be. This is really hard, but its all worth it. I almsot cried in the parking lot at the mall, and i want to cry now. arg. ~Steve Saturday, February 07, 2004 time: 9:10pm Post #156 Word, i just lost 20 bucks but i didnt. It was tight. Im having a few withdrawls right now, but there getting easier. Oh well. Sponge Bob Square Pants. ~Steve Saturday, February 07, 2004 time: 4:05pm Post #155 Wow, crazy stuff. I had a blast last night. It was jsut fun. Poker at mat laws house, and alderwood church guys came. I came out in 3rd place, so i got 10 bucks back. So i made 5 dollers profet. John gave matt a cuban cigar, which in turn he gave to me, and i smoked the entire bloody thing. It was about 10 inches long, and an inch in diamater. I had the biggest buzz, and didnt fall alseep untill 4:00 in the morning. It was all good though. Life is good, and im doing alot better now. I realized something last night when i was buzzed, and i kinda feel bad about it. But im really really glad i realized it. So yah, im soo flippen tired right now, and i havnt done anythign today at all and the day is almost over. I think this is what college is going to be like. School, running and sleep. Alot of sleep. oh, i also watched 2 indiana jones movies, so "hella" fits well. Something Gangsta. ~Steve Friday, February 06, 2004 time: 6:57am Post #154 Im taken the day off today, so i can just chill with john. Im excited, cause tis gonna be fun. Were gonna watch "hella" indiana Jones and stuff. I hope everyone has a good day today, and go to the game tonight! Remember that God will always prevail. ~Steve Thursday, February 05, 2004 time: 6:03pm Post #153 Coly Hrap! I have got soo much sleep reciently. Yesterday i selpt for 3 hours before youth group, and i just woke up from a 4 hour nap. BOO YAH! I think im really tired from weight training. My arms are so sore right now, its hard for me to type. So yah. Life has been good latly. I havnt been thinking about steph much these past few days. That is always the challange, to stop thinking about her all the time. So im maken progress there. I guess im not approachable, which is too bad. I dont even know what i do to make my self unaprochable. Anyway. I talked to Mad Dawg on the fone last night for a while. It was really good. Its nice to really restore so many friendships. Kicken. This weekend is going to be soo sweet. Im excited. Speach class is really fun. Jamie and i hang out in the back and be dumb. The kinda dumb you see in a 5th grade class. Then I go to pre cal, where i leave. And run. Except i didnt run today, because im so bloody laZy, and was really tired. Im excited to get strong again. already in the past few days, i have been able to curl a 30 heaver bar than when i started. I think its that inional jump you get when you start working out. Its fun to chill with joi during weight training, sense john has been chilled at home. She just talkes about ryan, and its really fun to see happyness in relationships. I dont think im going to the dance this weekend. I dont like dances anymore. I dont know why, but i think its because i miss so many this year, and didnt feel comfertable dancing with everyone, only steph. Well she didnt dance, so i didnt do much, which isnt a bad thing. Its jsut now my love for them is not quite there anymore. Prom had better Kick Searous Hiney. ~Steve Wednesday, February 04, 2004 time: 11:23pm Post #152 I have always found it really intresting, that whenever your in a situation having to do with relationships, every single song seems to apply directly to you. Right now its Swing Swing by peppins's american rejects. Not all of it, but some parts, like the help me to carry on again kinda thing. Not that steph is with other guys and stuff. Well, tonight was a really fun night. I was able to relax, and have fun. I have alot of internal things im still working on, and it will take alot of time. Probably untill the end of this school year. Once i hit college, BAM! life changes. im going to miss alot, but i was walking home today, and i though of how exciting my life is going to be. Senior year of highscool. Summer. College. Summer. Repeated a few times, then becoming a teacher and a coach. Perfect. I'm "hella" excited. I took a nap today, so i have all this energy and i need to lose it so i can sleep. I love the world, and have been really inclined to help people. I hope this mood of mine lasts untill i die. That would be "tight" ~Steve Tuesday, February 03, 2004 time: 9:55pm Post #151 Ok, after alot of prayer and being open to people i talk to and letting God speak to me, i know what i need to do. Well i just did it, so that makes it better. Im going to move on, get rid of all hope, but still be there for her. So yah, i need lots of prayer, because i wont have the strength to do this on my own, becuas when it comes to love, i can be weak. So I need God to be my source of strength, and the more prayes i can get the better off i will be. Im excited for what life has to offer. Make sure you pray for eveone else right now too. Especially John. If he has touched your life in a good way, tell him. It always feels good to hear that you have helped someone. ~Steve Monday, February 02, 2004 time: 5:20pm Post #150 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhh i can be sooo dumb and sooo bad at thinking sometime. I make so many mistakes, and when i try and fix them, i go dumb and skrew everything up more. Sometimes i want to punch myself in the face for my dumb. I need to be patient, and let God take things, because i suck. ~Steve Sunday, February 01, 2004 time: 9:19pm Post #149 Janet's ha-ha. hahahahahahahahahaah ~Steve Sunday, February 01, 2004 time: 8:02pm Post #148 I no longer concider myself a stable personality. I never know anymore what im going to feel in a certan situation. I used to be able to say, "This is how i'm going to take care of this situation," but now i have learned that that is not even possible for me. I want to be someone I knew. The guy i used to be so long ago. Fun, easy going. Alot has happened to me this past year, and it has had a huge impact on who I am. I hug out with John a bit today, and we talked alot. We are both trying to move on wiht our lives, and i told him something that has helped me out. I have just been thinking of what kind of girl im going to marry someday. I picture her, and then i think, "I cant comprehend the girl God has for me." It has been helping me, and i hope it helps him too. But then Of course, i neve can do waht i want, or feel what i want. Or love what i want. Seeing her is just so hard. So much i want to do for her. But i have to keep reminding myslef that this life i live is not my own. I don't want to make my life choices, because I mess up. God doesn't, so I'm doing what i can to give it all to him. But let me tell you first hand. When it comes to choosing between God and your heart, it's hard. I know it shouldn't be, and im totaly working on it, but those of you who know what love is will be able to relate to me on this one. I am being forced to choose between my earthly loves and spiritual loves. Please pray that I will make the right decision. I know which one it is, obveously, but when the situation comes up, i am not the stalbe person i used to be. So pray that someday i will become that person i used to be. ~Steve Sunday, February 01, 2004 time: 12:24pm Post #147 Life has been really good for me latly. Enjoy everything, and really having fun. I hate love though. It never does what you want it to do. I want it to be gone, completly. Fat chance. Oh well. Im going to go to the mall and "get lunch" with the money i dont have. I hope mike gets pizza for superbowl. That would be kicken sweet action. Yesterday all i did was play video games, then go to a banquet and meet the pastors new daughters. They may go to kamiak, and they are very nice, and cute as well. There not track runners, but thats ok. Softball is good too. I love shrimp. 420 WESTSIDE GANGSTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111! (I want to go to the sleep over) ~Steve Friday, January 30, 2004 time: 10:54pm Post #146 I just got done talking to my moma bout everything. She is a genious. Its like verythign she said to me, was absoutly true. Down to the last detail. I have to remember its not about me. Its not about how i feel, and what i want. If i truly care for Steph, then i will back off, and try and get rid of my fealings, because they are doing me no good anymore. MY mom described the girl i will find in the future, the one who god has for me. Shes alive right now. Probaly in her room talking on AIM, or shes in bed, or shes out with friends. But when i find her, and we fall in love, she will look into my eyes, and i will look into hers, and all I will want to do is give everything i can to her, and she will want to give everything to me. thats what God meant love to be. She will be a girl very similar to me. Comming from the same background, wanting the same things in a relationship. She will love God, and will want a family, so she love them too. Life is to be lived in baby steps, holding onto Gods hand. I look at the Goal, where i want to be, but i have to realize that it takes time, and God has so much for me along the way. It is time to be mature. Because its not about me....It should never ever be about me. ~Steve Friday, January 30, 2004 time: 9:50pm Post #145 Ok, now all i want to do is cry. It's just so ahrd for me to understand and deal with. Its like, i have such high hopes, and so many people i talk to are like, "dont give up, if you love her keep trying." And that is what my heart tells me to do. then i try not to bring it up, but ofcouse it gets brought up anyways, then it just hurts. I was so hoping the pain would be gone. That our relationship would become what it was meant to be. One full of love, and caring, and growing, and everything else. I just want to go to my pillow and yell and scream untill it explodes, then i explode. I'm trying so hard, and my heart tells me to enver give up. Friends tell me never give up. She tells me to, bucause its useless. And in the end, it hurts soooo badly. ~Steve Friday, January 30, 2004 time: 9:20pm Post #144 Nothing beats being open withy our fealings. When I have something on my heart, I always tell people. I have had something on my heart latly, and i have been talking to alot of people, and have felt pretty good. God is going to teach me Patients now. And i know that is something you never want to ask God to teach you, because he will make your life misrible untill your patient. Im not really hoping for that one. Everyone is out doing stuff tonight, and its kinda boring. I think all im going to do is play more online poker and see if i can double up. I started the book of acts, and i hope i really get spoken to. Please keep me in your prayers. ~Steve Thursday, January 29, 2004 time: 9:07pm Post #143 There is so much i want to say. But i cant. Im tired, and emotional right now. I havnet really been in over a week. I think im going to cry or something. If I had a time machine, i would go back in time, then freeze time. Then sigh. Sigh. Stupid pictures... ~Steve Thursday, January 29, 2004 time: 3:04pm Post #142 My new classes rule! I had such a fun day. I ran during early dismissal, talked during speach, and chilled in CWI. Im excited for this next simester. I aslo had a track meeting today. I'm so pumped for it. Word ~Steve Wednesday, January 28, 2004 time: 10:27pm Post #141 Last day of the simester. Finally. So now tommorow i start zero period weght training. Should be fun. I'm gonna take before and after pictures of myself, cause im curious to see what will happen. Half day today, and all i did was run then play vice city. But its ok cause i got really far :). So yah, kinda a waste though. Youth group went pretty well tonight. Well sleep is good. So Goodnight! ~Steve Tuesday, January 27, 2004 time: 4:13pm Post #140 Today was a much better day. The things Katie told me really did alot for me. Like more than anyone else has said to me. Thank you Katie. So steph and i arnt on speaking terms. I'll live. Its time for me to really push her out of my mind. It hit me yesteterday that i was still holding on, because after i got home from school, the first thing i did was see if she was online, then read her xanga. Those were things i did when we dated. So im done with that. Anyway, im not going to talk aobut Steph anymore. Because, there isnt a reason to. So its time for me to sincerely move on with my life. I wish college was next month. That would be nice. A fresh clean start. I started running yesterday. I ran to work, and got my check and the people there made me a card bcause i was leaving. It was really nice of them. So yah, i ran 5 miles yester day. 1 an a half of them with mike. then i ran 4 today, but i did St. Andrews on the way back. Ugg. so my calfs are dead right now. I have bible study, and im excited. My prayer requests every time there have been about my relationship. So now im going to pray for everyone else's relationships. My voice is finally comming back. about time, its taking forever. Well anyway, i will post later tonight, cause i spend all my time at my computer. Word. ~Steve Monday, January 26, 2004 time: 10:36pm Post #139 Crappy night. No more Mcfarlane. Fight fight fight. Blah. Im gonna miss him alot. He really braught alot to the youth group, and our group of guys. I faught with steph tonight. A horrible fight. I feel really bad cause i was kinda mean. Its like, i had been thinking of that stuff all week and weekend, and tonight it just all came out. but now she doesnt want to be friends with me. Its hard to hear that. From anyone. Like im a horrible person. I dont fight with friends. I rarly fight with anyone. Its jsut things didnt work out, and it was pretty bad. I should have kept my mouth shut. Like, it's important to be really open during relationships, but thats no longer what we have. We are just friends now. I know that if i was ever pissed at any of the guys, i woulnt explode on them. I would shake it off. I should be doing the same for steph, because she is just a friend now. Its been really nice to have friends who have supported me, and told me i have done everything i can. There has just been so much pain in my life, and i wish it would all just die. I didnt like the pain, and i let it all out tonight. I havnt decided if i feel that what i did was wrong. I was honest. I did think about what i was going to say. And i let it all out. I just feel like a jerk. Ha, Kaite just told me something that really made me laugh. Hahaha. I think its true, the more i think of it. Am i needy? (someday im gonna get a CGI enabled website, and i woudl make this a poll you can vote on. I jsut need more money) Gotta keep your head up, even when the road is hard, never give up, baby dont cry.... ~Steve Monday, January 26, 2004 time: 4:21pm Post #138 I don't want to love anymore. It hurts too much. ~Steve Monday, January 26, 2004 time: 3:48pm Post #137 Well i have alot to type about, so im going to type untill i get tired of typing. Which may be because i run out of cool stuff to say, or because i start fealing emotional and i want to stop. Either way, here it goes. Winter retreat: Kicked hiney. I had so much fun, in almost every way. The youth group connect well, and laot fo clicks were broken down. Our numbers arnt as big as they were like when i was in Jr high, but i think thats better. I know alot of people in the youth group personally, and this weekend i have really been able to strengthen those connections. Brian came back too! and i think it hlepd him, which excited me cause brian is cool and should come poker with us. Alot of the guys did stuff for money. Like skates ate mayo and catsup for like 3 dollers. Matt rubbed an iceicle in his mouth for 3 minutes for a doller, then i was payed a doller to catch the drool in my mouth. Skates and Garvin had a contest to see who could straddle the frozen propaine tank in thier boxers for the longest. For like 5 bucks or something. I peed my boxer-briefs for 7 bucks. there still at the camp. ha. and that is all i can really think for money. We played football on sat, and it was insaine. A huge game of like 4983719837 people. we wrestled in the snow all weekend. I wrestled brian twice, and he is 80 lbs up on me, so he picked me up, slammed me than fell on me. I died. Sheridan came back! and its been like 1231 years it seems. I had alot of good time to talk to her. We have always connected well, so its fun to bring back a friendship. Chilling with monz, mad dog, brookie was lot of fun. Matt asked out lauren in a really sweet way. We played a game i thought up called mass sardines, and all the guys went and hid as a group, then all the girls went and hid as a group. But the best part, was when it was our turn to look for the ladies, we got in a formation and all chanted like the orc from LotR. I guess when we started chanting really loud, the girls all got scared and started running. It was so fun. Alot of people were touched during the last night's lesson. It was sweet, and alot of people stepped out in faith. It was really hard to see all the couples who were together. Mainly Ryan and joy, then matt and lauren. Thre was so much emotion between them, and they were all so happy. I'm going to marry a girl similar to one of them. not them specifically, but just a girl who does what they do. Matt and Ryan both are secure, and know all the time that joy and Lauren care for them. Its really cool to see what a sucessfull relationship looks like. I talked to cynthia too. she always helps. And i talked to sheridan about that, and she made me feel better. She truly understood how i felt, and why i felt the way i did. I saw Steph at school today. It was hard. I hadnt seen her sense mid last week. I also saw her with addison. And she was having fun. And that was hard for me. Well she connects with him, and thats all good and i want her to be happy. Someday if God has it planned, i will find the girl who will be right for me. Ok. Im done typing. ~Steve Friday, January 23, 2004 time: 2:17pm Post #136 Getting ready to leave on the winter retreat now! Its gonna be fun. Im Excited. Sorrow - Box Car Racer because i need you more than you need me because i want you more i know because we move too ****ing fast i think i really had to wish to make this last i know i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you would because i cared way more because i really felt that you felt so much more i know i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you would i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you could i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you would i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you could believe me if you could ~Steve Thursday, January 22, 2004 time: 8:47pm Post #135 I just got back from the wrestling match tonight. We lost, and it made me mad, so im going to go for revenge in track. Domenation is the goal. I cant go to work tomorrw for very long! I ahve to leave for the retreat! I totaly forgot about that.... So Jena came with em to work today, and i showed ther the ropes. It was fun, and she will do fine. WEll im getting over steph. But im not at the same time. Like i want to be done and move one and be happy and not cry, but there is something special about that girl, and it keeps bringing me back. I cant go back. And it can be very hard. Today at school, i wanted to call her during the day really badly. But i knew i coulnt. I want to be there with her. but i cant. I dont know what God is telling me right now. I'm having mroe fun with life now, but part of me is missing. I give advice to people to think logicaly, and i dont even follow it. So frustrating...... ADFGADGHAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111!!!!!!!!!1 ~Steve Wednesday, January 21, 2004 time: 10:15pm Post #134 Ha, we got mixed up on times to meet at the mall, so now its all good. WEll i had fun tonight. I really just let the energy flow. I want to restore the friendships i lost theses next few weeks, and especially this weekend. Im really excited. Being alone is a really wierd fealing. Its like there is so much i want to do. So much i want to say, but i know i can't. Its so hard. I found myself dazed out tonight for like 10 minutes thinking about her. I wish it would have just worked. A man is given a present. A very special present. He takes excelent care of it, and does what ever he can to protect it. He puts in next to his bed at night, he takes it with him to work, and never lets it out of his sight. One day his present was taken away from him, and he was never alowd to have it again. Isolated, he watches the present, no longer his, break in front of his own two eyes. And all he can do is sit there and watch, and one of the most important things to him breaks. The worst part is he knows there is nothing he can do to help. ~Steve Wednesday, January 21, 2004 time: 7:13pm Post #133 Ha, well i was going to meet an old time friend, but i never found her. Either she didnt show up, or we miscommunicated. Ha. So ill be playing Vice city untill youthgroup. Word! ~Steve Wednesday, January 21, 2004 time: 4:16pm Post #132 Today was a bit harder for me than yesterday. Its really hitting me now of how much is going to change. Im going to miss alot. I almost cried during lunch thinking aobut it. But I jsut have to keep on turucking. It will be better for the long run. Youthgroup tonight. should be fun! ~Steve Tuesday, January 20, 2004 time: 6:03pm Post #131 Today was a really good day for me. I felt my energy back. The same energy i had during the summer. The entusiam and everything. I wanted to go talk to people and laugh and be stupid again. Before i was too down most of the time to really enjoy myself. and Steph is doing well from what i hear too, which is good. Anyways. This is my last week of work, then i run. I got a replacement to take my spot, and that Jena. She should enjoy the job. And yah, then i get to go run. YEA HAW!!! I'm also going to go hang out with an old tiem friend, who i havnt really talked to in i think a year. so that will be fun. Bye! ~Steve Monday, January 19, 2004 time: 10:00pm Post #130 D-R-A-M-A. Alot of things changed tonight. All i can say is wow. ~Steve Monday, January 19, 2004 time: 9:04pm Post #129 Haha, its kinda funny. Im starting a new journal now, and at the same time im now single. Except this time there will be no we got back together. I feel alot better now, because i know i dont have to cry anymore, for a long time. wow. Thank you for all your prayers! The Sliphun you all used to knwo last summer will be returing. Slow and Steady, but shurly! ~Steve |