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Monday, January 19, 2004 time: 12:48am Post #128 Tonight was flippen sweet. X-link at heckendorfs house. Nothing is funnier than when the flag is right next to the base in Blood Gluch, and all 16 people in the room are yelling and screaming and its insaine funny. Well yah, im fealing pretty good right now. I wasnt doing well earlyer and i went to mikes house cause the guys were having a bible study, and they all prayed for me. It really helped. I just felt relaxed and The holy spirit really helped me out. I'm going to look to him more, rather than just my friends. It's not like I dont talk to him, but like when im distressed, i always go to my friends for help, when i should be just praying about it first. Well i have time to learn, and God will be with me every step of the way baby! Im so Glad there is no school tomorrow. Im just going to call people and probaly have people over to my house, because i never do that. I feel bad because we always go to matt laws house, and his parents always have to deal with us. MAybe we will hot tub or something. I should plan in in advace though, so it kicks major hiney. This is my last week of work comming up. Sad, cause i kinda like my job. I orginize things, and that is a talent i have. Almost every night before i have my quiet time, i orginize my room, so then everything just feels better. So anyways, Friday is my last day, then i start my fulltime track season. About time. Not running is lame, and boring, and lame. Im so excited to get out to the track, and get in shape, so i can run well. When your in shape you jsut feel better about your self. This journal has done alot of really good things for me. I read back to liek page 1 and 2 and its amazing how much i have changed. I dont nessarly like the change, because im so much more searous. Ack. I need to go do more fun stuff. Like what i did tonight. Im going to read more of my wild at heart book. Thats the direction i need to go. No, not need. That is the direction I am going. Im going to be the normal steve. the one people miss. Im not letting my crap emotions get in the way of who i am. I'm sorry for not being as fun as i used to. Im sorry katie, hillary, lauren, monz, and brooke. I have mistreated you girls, and im very sorry. I will be praying taht you forgive me, and take me back as a friend. Buecause its true, us guys are so flakey. Some times we are your friend, and sometiems we are not. Thats uncool of us. Im going to admit my mistake, and work on not doing it again. And to all the guys, im sorry for not being who i was last summer. not much i can do to change that, but im going to do better, because i want to. Well this was a great night, and im going to go have fun tomorrow. Good night everybody! ~Steve Sunday, January 18, 2004 time: 4:15pm Post #127 Hello. Alot has happened in these past few days. I'm pretty much out of that crappy mood i was in all alst week. Alot of it was my fault, and i just over analyzed things. I have been in a really good mood these past few days, like im actualy having fun again. Played poker on friday, lanparty/hockey game Last night, and now its Steph and my anneversary today. Well i havent really talk to her much today, and it kinda sucks. So now im at home, in my room, waiting for laundry. Im fealing really tired, cause i didnt go to be untill like 1 or 2 o'clock the past 2 nights, so I may take a nap soon. Matt and Lauren are doing well, as are Joi and Ryan. Its fun to see that kinda stuff fall into place. Matts journal made me feel really bad, and kinda uncomfertable. Sadly its true. Matt law knows that Love can bring tears, like i do. His are for different reasons though. I have been praying for him alot. For everyone who has prayed for me these past few days, thanks. Please dont stop. So yah, im gonna go take a nap. Goodnight! ~Steve Thursday, January 15, 2004 time: 9:22pm Post #126 Im not fealing too well right now. Im fealing empty. Like im dying. I cant though, cuase this is my senior year, and its suppost to be fun. Its like, all i have wanted to do these past few days is sleep and cry. And i have been praying and reading my bible and even then i have been left empty. I'm running out of options. Im running out of energy. The deep breath before the plunge. ~Steve Tuesday, January 13, 2004 time: 9:05pm Post #125 Im so frustrated right now, i just want to go run for like 12312 miles away from here. Everything has just been crap. I have tried so hard in so many different areas of my life, and its like the harder i try the worse things get. I dont knwo what else i can do for steph, i dont know how much more i can do for my family. I dont know how much mroe i can dor for my friends, but im just fealing exausted from everything in life right now. I just dont get it. I have been reading my bible every night for like the past few weeks, trying to have our bible study, trying to be as nice as i can to everyone, and patient as possible. Ok, so tonight i got frustrated and walked out of my house on my parents, and they got mad at me. understandable. I dont want to sounds selfish or anything, but it seems that everything i do, i havnt got to see any of the good i have done. im almost ready to jsut say skrew it. But i just cant do that. Im exausted already, and track hasnt even started. And with the stress of my highschool carrer totaly ending, and not being abloe to hang out with my friends every weekend scares me. And its stressfull. Im wating for a letter to determine my future. My life will be effected by this. Majorly. Im going to explode soon. Keep at least 5 feet away from me at all times so you dont get injured. ~Steve Monday, January 12, 2004 time: 9:11pm Post #124 Does classical music not just kick hiney? Ha. Well today was not too bad of a day, concidering my 6 hours of sleep, and a full day of monday. Woo hoo. matt is gay. his picture says so on his xanga site. That is humor if i dont say so myself. I got this puddy stuff in my room, and i have been playing with it alot, so my hands are ripped now. ha. One time my hand cramped up really bad that i had to pull it apart. Marty tried to jump on my in the halls today, and it was scary cause hes like big and charging. Ack. My Sawyer asked me if i was being nice to steph. Ha, i turned it back on her. Matt gave me a ride to work, and that was SURPER FLIPPEN SWEET. We like rode in the car, and talked, then i got out. Crashendo. Ryan. Haha. Something about a water bottle will jsut make your mood better. Searous. And it makes your bladder smaller. Golf ball small. Not me, but someone one i know. HA! Im so glad poker stars inst real money. Im gonna laugh when i find out it is. I want to go to chelan for memorialday weekend, but i want to go to the wedding more. So im gonna see if i can do both. Im a runner, why not? Im listing to MEst - Chance of a life time. I like it. Steph has slightly changed me in alot of ways. My music is one area. But now she is in love with Rap. she told me. Really. So i guess i have had an influance too. Like the song your listing to right now, unless you got annoyed because i dotn change my song much. Maybe i should, but that would defet the purpose of this post. You would read it and be like "what song?" Lyrics.... Beautifual. Like water. Water is pretty. dont try and disagree. I deleted Trevors "My Documents" on his school account. Ha. My house in tech draw is almost done. Im gonna be a Mr. Goodman/Mr. Low when i grow up. My personality type is a Extroverted Intuitive Feeling Judging. Fealing, i never thought of that. Wo. POKERSTARS! ~Steve Sunday, January 11, 2004 time: 8:11pm Post #123 Thats really really gay. Well this weekend has been so so. dinner at tolo was alot of fun, probaly the most fun i have had at a dance dinner. Some day marty and i will make our kicken sweet new dish. Ryan asked out Joi today, and that was really cool. Except i felt like a rapist, wearing a mask, ambushing a girl, and tieing her up and putting her in a car and driving away. oh well, it turned out for the best. now im here at home, just sitting here waiting for monday morning. 23 hours and 9 minutes till class.... ~Steve Wednesday, January 07, 2004 time: 10:56pm Post #122 Well it has been a really dull week. Yes, snow is a good thing, and snow days are pretty nice, but sooo boring. I flippen played video games untill like 4:00 this afternoon. Then i went to ryans house. Ryan, im happy for you. Its kinda late right now and i talked on the fone with steph and im tired. Good night world. ~Steve Sunday, January 04, 2004 time: 7:10pm Post #121 In freaken 12 hours, i will be in school again. Wine wine wine. well it has been a great break, and things are good. I said too much today about an issue, and pretty much shot myself in the foot. Im so good at that. I decided insted of trying to help, im just going to punch myself in the face more, cause i think that would do me better. Tolo is going to be a blast, i cant wait. 4 of us haev 2 dates, and its kinda wierd, but its all good. ha.My room is totaly clean now, finally. I vacumed for the first time in like 2 months. I opened the bag with the 2.5 year old jumbo jack in it, so i could add a 3 year old arby's sauce packet. I almost threw up. Searous. the stench was in my room before, but by putting it in a bag, it was able to concentrate itself into a deal scent. It was bad, lets just say that. I went to 2 church services today. One to go see steph, and help ryan to see goi, and the second service to chill with the giant group. Both to learn more about God. Good sermon today, all about wild at heart. Im 3/4ths through that book, and its pretty good. I have like 7 books im currently reading. Yay. Im going out to dinner with my parents soon, so i think im gonna close this up. Steph, i love you alot. Sorry for everything i have done dumb reciently. *Caugh* boy *caugh*. God has blessed me tons, and hes pretty sweet for that. Thank you God! ~Steve Friday, January 02, 2004 time: 12:54pm Post #120 Well yesterday i got back from my trip, which was alot of fun. We played like 13 games of poker or something like that. Im so bad at it. I won my first game ever. It was one of the 2 doller games, so i actually made some money, so i didnt lose a ton of money on the trip. I got the GTA twin pack, and that has been alot of fun. I aslo broke my TV. then i fixed it! Yah, i took it apart and fixed it. It was really yummy. So anyways, i had fun last night hanging out with all those girls i havent really hung out with in a while. Steph wasnt fealign well, and that was kinda sad, but we get to have our bible study today, and im really excited for that. I ahd my quiet time 3 of the days i was on the trip, so i missed 2, but im still kinda happy, cause i was actualy able to get some in. It was the best thing to be able to hold steph again yesterday. I still have alot more things i feel like i need to work on when it comes to relationships. I really really hope i get into Western. I saw the campus like last week, and it was pretty. Would be great to run at. And its a very comfertable town. So anyways, im gonna get a hair cut today. I dont know how much, but i am, and i really need it. No offense, but i dont want to look like sire. Ha. Word. ~Steve Saturday, December 27, 2003 time: 11:46pm Post #119 Im really tired, and dead. im going to crawl in bed and let sleep take me over before my tired emotions do. no matter how hard i try, i always fall short every single time. I cant seem to win. failure. exausted. ~Steve Saturday, December 27, 2003 time: 12:52pm Post #118 Wow, yesterday kinda sucked. I went up to Western, and got to look at the campus. I really really liked it. I hope i get in really bad. I guess im not going enxt week on the trip, cause there are too many things that are sucking about it. I coulnt get a car, and only matt's mom is driving from what i know. Now joi cant go, so steph wont go. That isnt the reason im not going to go, because there are a few reasons. Like peppin is comming in tonight, and if we leave tomorrow morning, then i wont get to chill with him all week. And matty law would stay here too, because danelle is leaving soon, and that really sucks. Last night i didn't feel good at all. I felt like such a skrew up, cause i meesed up alot yesterday. Like i accedently deleted all the pictures off our digital camera, whcih included christmas pictures. So my mom got mad. And my dad was frustrated yesterday already because of me asking for the car. Blah, it doesnt soudn like much but there is more too. I got the wrong books for the bible study steph and iare starting. But that can be fixed. Anyway, i went to stephs house last night, and all i wanted to do was lay on the couch and be with her. She did that for me and told me that i was thinking too hard, and that everything was going to be ok. It really made me feel alot better about everything. Its so incredibly nice that i can go to her about anything, and she loves me and does whatever she can to try and understand. I love her a ton, and she makes me really happy. So yah, i guess i might still get to go next week. I kinda have to think aobut it. Blah. I have been having my quiet time every day for like the past 2 weeks. Its been really good, and im reading through 2 cor right now. Yay! ~Steve Wednesday, December 24, 2003 time: 10:48pm Post #117 MY lasst journal posting sounds pretty dirty, but thats not it at all. It sounds bad, i know. Well, steph is the one of the best things i could ask for for christmas. She is one the bestest presents i will get. But the greatest thing on my list is Gods love, and he gave that to me. Jesus is the reason that christmas exists, and during comunnion tonight, i was truly reminded of that. I read reciently in the bible that when you take communion, you should look deep into yourself, reflecting on who you are, and what you have done. I asked God for forgivness tonight, and it always feels so good. Everything jsut lifts off of you. Its like, imalways admiting to God my mistakes, but that doesnt mean im always sincere. Like alot of the times, i just get into the routine because that is what we are suppost to do. I'm just Glad that we are forgiven for not being totaly sincere all the time. I love God alot, because he has always been here for me, and been such a strong reminder of what i should be. I love Steph too, but not nearly as much. I am going to read the story of christmas tonight, and im pretty excited. Steph, you mean a ton to me. Thanks for everything. Thanks to everyone else who was really there for me and prayed with or for me while i was going through hard times. I cant say thanks enough. I really want to thank Gelly, Matty, and Matt j. Gelly was always there for me to talk to online, and in person, and i felt that she really cared. Matty law was a great friend, who opened his house to me when i wanted to just be away. He was there for me when i cried, and when i just wanted to vent. Matt Jacobs was there for me when i was stuck in the middle of nowhere, and when he realized how i was hurting, he prayed with me. I cant thank you guys enough, and God really shined through all of you. ~Steve Tuesday, December 23, 2003 time: 5:48pm Post #116 Wow. That is all i can say. I want to just like run around and like do super sweet flips or something. Steph made me really happy tonight. No, not sexualy you sickos. Im not going to talk about that part. But she, yah. Woo hoo!!!! Well its christmas eve tomarow, and thats gonna be pretty flippen sweet. I'm goen to the 7:00 service. Word. ~Steve Tuesday, December 23, 2003 time: 5:48pm Post #115 Today was like the most boring day ever. I would write about stuff but there is nothing to write aobut. My grandparents are over now, and i raked leaves. Ill be able to type more tomarow. ~Steve Tuesday, December 23, 2003 time: 12:08am Post #114 Wow, sorry i havent posted in forever. Alot has happened. I Love stephanie, and she is once again my girlfriend, and is making me very happy. God has worked through her to bless me, and i thank him all the time for doing so. Im very proud, and very happy. So yah, i hung out with dudes from ED wood today, and that was pretty cool, ever though we didnt throw anything off the bridge. Mike Steu did something relly funny a few days ago, but im not gonna post it on the internet. Hahaha, it still makes me laugh the more i think aobut it. But anyways, to meet up with them, i took the bus there, and i think i took it the wrong way, cause it took like 2313 hours to actualy get to edmonds. But i made it and i was really hungry and it took like 2 more hours before i could go to a mall and eat clam chowder. But yah, i had fun today. My mom was like flipping out about absoutly nothing today, and it was actuayl kind of annoying. I dont get it. Its ok to drive to ocean shores without asking, but to hang out with some guys i know from running is like this huge deal. Blah. Good night! ~Steve Thursday, December 18, 2003 time: 5:35pm Post #113 I feel lost and confused. I am so blah, and i dont seem to know anything right now. And the worst part is i dont think there is anythign i can do about it. I pray that God will do it all for me, but then i wouldn't get stronger. .... .... The Scientist ~Steve Thursday, December 18, 2003 time: 5:35pm Post #112 Sob... ~Steve Wednesday, December 17, 2003 time: 5:35pm Post #111 That was a bitter end. Last night was a time when i really opened up, and said alot of what i was fealing. I knew that what i said would probaly upset her, but shes always been really honest with me, so i returned the favor. So i think thigs will be over permently, because shes mad at me for saying things that i thought, and there is nothing i can do about it. I have always tried to understand her, and if there has been anything i could do to help her or the relationship i would do. But oh well. So yah, i talked to my mommy today during like all of second period, and it was a block day, so it was a long time. It was really good for me, and she really helped me see why things were the way they were. If you know my mom or my dad then you know that they are both very wise people. My dad gave me his oppinion bluntly, and thats what i needed, and my mom was more understanding, and i jsut talked to her aobut everything. I have put alot of emotions into that relationship, and i really think its too bad i do so much. I dotn regret much, but falling in love is one of those things. I always worked at everything in the relationship, and i think that really taught me alot. it taught me alot about myself, and alot about what i want in a wife. My mom talked to me alot aobut that too, and made me feel alot better. God put me in the relationship so i could grow, and i did. Alot. I made alot of new friends, like Gelly and Joi, and i think we will become better friends as time goes on. I have learned to look to God more, and i have been taught how to be humble, and i was able to practice that on Steph. Now im going to need soem time to adjust, going back to the way i was over the summer, without a girl in my life. Right now i cant see myself dating again untill College, and i cant wait, because i know God has a girl for me that is going to make me really happy, and will be there for me, and i can laugh with her, and cry with her, and i will love her, and she will love me back. I cant wait. I have to be ready for tonight, cause its gonna be crazy. I dont know waht to expect, but i feel really bad. I know that my guy friends will rally around me, because im hurting, and i need them. Well steph has her girls, but im afraid that our groups will be seperated for a while. I dont want that to happen, but i may need it to. I have alot of emotions to solve now. So ill be off. Pardon me while i try to fall out of love. ~Steve Tuesday, December 16, 2003 time: 10:12pm Post #110 God used Steph to slap me in the face, and realize how dumb i have been this week. I have not looked to you enough Lord, and im sorry. ~Steve Tuesday, December 16, 2003 time: 9:13pm Post #109 Wow, if i dont go, im not going to get to see steph looking absoutly Gorgous. Weighing the pros and cons.... ~Steve Tuesday, December 16, 2003 time: 8:51pm Post #108 This week is hell. I had one of the worst days i could ever ask for today. I was thrashed in every way i can think of, and i can't be strong for much longer. Gelly, i can't thank you enough, you seem to be the only person online who has tried to understand me. I had Bible study tonight, and it went well, but i think we were a bit off track too much of the time. I felt like we annoyed Matty and JB. I have high hopes for that group. I know that at this time in my life, the ONLY thing that has helped me feel better is reading the bible. I felt that talking to and seeing steph would make me feel better, but today it just hurt. I'm not sure if im going to go tomarow. Im expected to do alot there, and one of those things is be happy and funny. Right now i have no chance to be either. I wanted to cry today during 5th period so bad, and i was debating on wether i could leave the classroom without making a sceen. I decided that it was not possible, and everyone would want to know what was going on. Well my teacher asked me why i wasnt partsipating, and i just put my head down. I had to work so hard to hold my tears in, and i think she got the picture. I didnt want to be bothered. I didnt even eat lunch with people today, and that is the first time all year. Everyone is going to go see LotR 3 tonight, and i didnt want to go. I'm so lost right now, but im not. It's like, God is huge in my life, and i have had my quiet time every day, and sometimes twice a day. I am crusing through my Humility book. But im so lost, i dont know what to do, how to feel, and it seems that all i want to do is cry. MY dad has been concerned about me, and so has my mom, but they arn't feeling what im feeling. I wish i was stronger right now, but im a wreck. I need people, but i dont want anyone at the same time. Sigh, i dont know what else do do, but keep praying. God gave me my answer last night while i read the bible. He guided me to read a section i wasn't going to read, and it spoke to me directly. I just don't know what to do now. I made people cry tonight. Gelly is back online, so im gonna talk to her. Goodnight. Sorry i failed. ~Steve Monday, December 15, 2003 time: 5:28pm Post #107 Hello everyone, today was a very different day for me. I feel so wierd, and i really dont like it. God has spoken to me alot today, and it has been a really good thing for me to be able to do. I have learned alot, and i kinda want to get a tatoo on my arm when im 18 that says "Humility" down my forearm. Then i could be reminded for the rest of my life how important being humble is. Tonight i have to work on college my college stuff, cause i want to be done with it. Steph and I both need alot of prayer from anyone who is willing to give it. Its going to be a tough week, but with God's help, and your prayers, there is nothing to fear. ~Steve Sunday, December 14, 2003 time: 9:10pm Post #106 Xmas is saying your crossing out the Christ in Christmas. Keep that in mind when you say Xmas insted of Christmas ~Steve Sunday, December 14, 2003 time: 8:34pm Post #105 Well, here i am, a worn down man. I really dont know what to say online here, except there is hope, so im gonna be ok. Hope can really do alot for you. Sigh. ~Steve Friday, December 12, 2003 time: 8:17pm Post #104 Last night was a rough night. I dont really want to talk aobut it. I just know that God is there for me, and always will be, and everything tht happens to me happens for a reason. Im not sure what the reason is. Maybe its to make me stronger. Maybe it to make other people stronger. Maybe its just another opertunity to whitness and share christs love. People are watching me, see what is going to happen. MY reaction to this will reflect Christ. Please pray for me that I have to strength, and curage to do whatever it is Christ may want me to do. I will praise.... (i will praise) You, Oh Lord..... (you oh lord) With all my heart..... I will Tell (I will Tell) Of your wonders..... (of your wonders) Ill be glad, and exault in thee, Ill be glad, and exault in thee! I will sing, praises to your name oh most high, I will sing, praises to your name. I will sing, praises to your name oh most high, I will sing, praises to your name. ~Steve Friday, December 12, 2003 time: 8:17pm Post #103 Yes, im fealing better, thanks for asking. Hahaha. So yah, im aobut to go to brooks and im excited cause brooke is tight. So yah, i got payed today. and i get to give most of it to friends. Suck. Oh well, dont comlain steve, it wasnt even your money to begin with. So yah, steph is doing better, and i feel valued by her. The way i held her during school, it made me believe that she needed me. And i want to be there for her. So yah, i think shes gonna be her soon, so yah. I'll talk tomarow! ~Steve Thursday, December 11, 2003 time: 11:33pm Post #102 I prayed to God to give me Joy, and peace, and he delivered. Makes me so thankfull to have him in my life. Everyone should remember when problems hit, go to God first. When has he failed you? He loves us all, and wants to be a help. WE just have to reach up and grab his hand. It's so easy, it confuses me why i took so long to do it. I have sinned today, and i pray that god will take it away, and provent it in the future. For all you guys, s on the w should help explane it. haha. So pray for me on that one OPERATION GIANT AND TOADSTOOL: UNDERWAY Let me be the man you talk about joi. the one who loves God more than he will any girl. ~Steve Wednesday, December 10, 2003 time: 10:22pm Post #101 Cool, we just got back from youthgroup, and we had it at the dumpster. It was pretty cool, and i think alot of people got something outta it. Sure seemed short though. I think thats cause of the ride there and back. I didnt get a candle either, but i was able to sing songs still, so i was happy, because i think God smiled at our group. I'm not going to the school dance anymore, but being with steph means more to me than it, so ill live. Work sucked today, it was sooo slow and tiring, and i wanted to take a nap. Sometimes it can be hard to put all your faith in God. Its like there are so many things here on earth that you think can satisfy you, but often just dont do it. The only thing that truly makes me happy is God. But i cant hug god, or talk to him physicaly, I can only feel him, and see him in other people. I cant wait till i get to heaven so i can talk to God and all those really strong christians like paul and john the babtist so i can become really happy, and learn alot. then i will hang out with God, and he will care for me like i need, and hug me when i need it, cause i always seem to. Sigh, there will be no sadness in heaven, but it just seems so far off from where i am. Maybe cause im comparison to heaven, earth is horrible. But work needs to be done. I went to this site councle thing and we talked about the website that is horrible. I dont waste my time there anymore, cause its soo flippen bad, and it makes me really sad. It just reminds me how much of this world is unsaved, and it reminds me of how much of a coward i am to share God. I feel really weak right now, but the good thing is i will look to God to give me strength, and not wait for it from somewhere else, when it never will come. God is always there for me. Otherwise i would feel so alone. I just need joy. Not person joy, God given perfect happyness joy. Yes please, ill take 2 of those. ~Steve Tuesday, December 9, 2003 time: 6:44pm Post #100 So yah, i jsut got back from stephs house which wasnt very fun cause all i did was try to help everone. I swear, sometimes, i feel like im doing the right thing, but then it all blows up. And i take the blame cuase i have gotton to be very good at that. Im reading this book right now that Kim Phelps gave me years ago called humility, and i have learned alot so far. Man this sucks. I suck. Sigh, you know though, my intentions were pure, so i guess that helps me feel better. I cant keep secrets, because i trust everyone. But i just have to keep remembring that my happyness does not come from anything here on earth. It comes from God, and thats it. So i cant look anywhere else!!! GAHH. Hebrews 12:11 describes me these past few weeks. And today now. Its all to make me stronger, and smarter, and wiser, and make me more tan. I pray that God will give me more joy, cause you can never have enough. And my new one is Love, so that God can show me lots of love, so i can feel loved, and pass that on to new people. God is number 1. ~Steve |