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Est Dec. 1997

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Men & Women

The Difference Between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . ..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...
Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so..."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

GREAT QUOTES OF MEN, WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS

• When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.- Frederick Ryder
• Men get laid, but women get screwed.- Quentin Crisp (English writer)
• Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.- Billy Crystal.
• I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)
• Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)
• A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.- Sanskrit proverb
• There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."- Jerry Seinfeld
• March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.- Anonymous
• Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)
• A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)
• When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
• Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.- Lyndon B. Johnson
• Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?- Carrie Snow
• The Lord made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.- Anonymous

Men

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with."

IF MEN GOT PREGNANT

• Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
• There would be a cure for stretch marks.
• Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
• Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
• All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
• Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
• Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
• They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
• Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
• Breifcases would be used as diaper bags.
• Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
• They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
• Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
• Women would rule the world.

What Men Really Mean

What They Say ..... and .....What They Mean

• I'm going fishing .......I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.
• Let's take your car ......Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.
• Woman driver...... Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.
• I don't care what color you paint the kitchen. ...... As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, ray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.
• It's a guy thing....... There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
• Can I help with dinner?...... Why isn't it already on the table?
• Uh huh, Sure, honey, or Yes, dear....... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
• Good idea...... It'll never work and I'll spend the rest of the day gloating.
• Have you lost weight?...... I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.
• My wife doesn't understand me....... She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.
• It would take too long to explain. ...... I have no idea how it works.
• I'm getting more exercise lately....... The batteries in the remote are dead.
• I got a lot done....... I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture.
• We're going to be late....... Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.
• Hey, I've read all the classics....... I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.
• You cook just like my mother used to....... She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.
• I was listening to you....... It's just that I have things I was wondering if that red-head over this is wearing a bra on my mind
• Take a break, honey, you're working too hard....... I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
• That's interesting, dear....... Are you still talking?
• Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love...... I forgot our anniversary again. .
• You expect too much of me....... You want me to stay awake.
• It's a really good movie....... It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.
• That's women's work....... It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.
• Will you marry me? ...... Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.
• Go ask your mother........ I am incapable of making a decision.
• You know how bad my memory is. ...... I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday
• I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses ...... The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.
• Football is a man's game....... Women are generally too smart to play it.
• Oh, don't fuss. ..... I just cut myself, it's no big deal. I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.
• I do help around the house. ...... I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.
• Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing. ...... And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.
• I can't find it....... It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.
• What did I do this time? ...... What did you catch me at?
• What do you mean, you need new clothes? ...... You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.
• She's one of those rabid feminists. ...... She refused to make my coffee.
• But I hate to go shopping. ...... Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.
• No, I left plenty of gas in the car. ..... You may actually get it to start.
• I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys....... I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.
• I heard you....... I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.
• You know I could never love anyone else. ...... I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.
• You look terrific ..... Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.
• I brought you a present. ..... It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.
• I missed you. ...... I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.
• I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are. ........No one will ever see us alive again.
• We share the housework. ..... I make the messes, she cleans them up.
• This relationship is getting too serious. ...... I like you more than my truck.
• I recycle....... We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.
• Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful. ...... Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?
• It sure snowed last night. ...... I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.
• It's good beer. ...... It was on sale.
• I don't need to read the instructions. ...... I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.
• I'll fix the garbage disposal later. ...... If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one.
• I broke up with her. ...... She dumped me.
• I'll take you to a fancy restaurant ...... Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window.

100 reasons it's great to be a guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work.
...more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
v With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
74. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
75. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
76. The remote is yours and yours alone.
77. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
78. ESPN's sports center.
79. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
80. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
81. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
82. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
83. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
84. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
85. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
86. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
87. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you mightbecome lifelong buddies.
88. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
89. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
90. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
91. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
92. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
93. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
94. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
95. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
96. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
97. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So.
.. notice anything different?"
98. Baywatch
99. There is always a game on somewhere.

And these just in...

Men are...

• Men are like department stores....
  their clothes should always be half off.
• Men are like vacations....
  they never seem to be long enough.
• Men are like computers...
  hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
• Men are like coolers...
  load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
• Men are like chocolate bars....
  sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
• Men are like coffee....
  the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
• Men are like horoscopes....
  they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
• Men are like plungers...
  they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
• Men are like cement....
  after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
• Q: Why are men like laxatives?
  A: They irritate the shit out of you
• Q: Why did God create man?
  A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns
• Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
  A: No mind-No business
• Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
  A: The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped
• Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
  A: Because those men already have boyfriends
• Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
  A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last
• Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
  A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
• Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
  A: Because they're all pigs

ARE YOU A GUY?

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
   a. Present it to the president of the United States
   b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations
   c. Take it apart
   
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
   a. Innocence
   b. Idealism
   c. Cherry bombs
   
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
   a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions
   b. When he is the pope (Not on the lips)
   c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed
   
4. What about hugging another male?
   a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease
   b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
   c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) he is legally within the base path, (2) both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) you also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures
   
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to......
   a. remember the deceases and console his loved ones
   b. reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life
   c. tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer
   
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is
   a. A cat
   b. A dog
   c. A dog that eats cats
   
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers - when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together, What do you say?
   a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it
   b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope
   c. That you cannot believe the Eagles called a draw play on third and seventeen
   
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
   a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner
   b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her
   c. Tell her what?
   
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
   a. "Do they need to eat anything?"
   b. "They're in school already?"
   c. "There are three of them?"
   
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
    a When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs
    b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers
    c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her
    
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
    a. He was being tested
    b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there
    c. He refused to ask directions
    
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
    a. Democracy
    b. Regions
    c. Remote Control
    

Women

FAMOUS WOMENS QUOTES

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
- Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
- Rita Rudner

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
- Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
- Susie Loucks

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
- Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.
-Carol Leifer

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to.
- Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
- Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
- Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.
- Dolly Parton

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?
- Wendy Liebman

I think-therefore I'm single.
- Lizz Winstead

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
- Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel."
- Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman."
- Margaret Thatcher

"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary."
- Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."
- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
- Gloria Steinem

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
- Katharine Hepburn

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
- Marie Corelli

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."
- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"
- Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; Then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. My wife found out..

Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A husband opens the fridge and yells at his wife "where's the beer at?!!!". She replies: "How many times have I told you... never finish a sentence with a preposition?". He says "okay, where's the beer at, bitch?"

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a transAtlantic flight. Suddenly, the plane plummets out of control. In panic, the woman turns to the man, tears off her blouse and cries, "Make me feel like a woman one more time! "Rising to the occasion, the man tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this.

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home"
"No, he went to the store"
"Well, you mind if I wait"
"No, come in"
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together. "
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?".

GENERAL DISCLAIMER FOR ANY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAPPEN UPON A COPY OF THIS:

• The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
• Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
• When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
• When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
• If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
• If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
• If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
• I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
• Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit to another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
• If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own?
• I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
• Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

Children

36 Things I've learned from my children:

• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
• It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
• When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
• A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• Duplos will not.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
• Ditto Tarzan.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
• Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
• A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Parental Observations:

• A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
• A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
• A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
• A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
• Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
• Celibacy is not hereditary.
• Familiarity breeds children.
• For adult education, nothing beats children.
• God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.
• God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
• Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
• Having children will turn you into your parents.
• If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
• If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
• Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
• Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
• It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
• It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
• One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
• You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.
• Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
• The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
• There are three ways to get things done:
1. do it yourself
2. hire someone to do it
3. forbid your kids to do it
• There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
• Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
• The best thing to spend on your children is time.

ARE YOU READY TO HAVE CHILDREN? TAKE THIS MESS TEST AND FIND OUT...

• Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.
• Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
• Obtain a 55gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
• Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
• Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
• Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy
• cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
• Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00
• PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
• Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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