When You Are Given Lemons, Make Lemonade!
This is the true record of the First Annual CockRoach Race, run on the Richard B. Anderson (DD786) on 5 March 1972 while en route back to Yokosuka from the Indian Ocean.
20 February 1972 POD:
- The latest light from the Roach world, as rumor has it, is that BULLET is the main entry from "G" Division. During trial runs yesterday, BULLET beat three of Supply Division's Roaches in three consecutive contests on the mess decks. In the first and third races, BULLET left TINY and SPEEDY ROACHes at the starting point and in the second, he(?) beat SPORTSTER by two body lengths. While BULLET weighs in at only 8 milligrams, is three-quarters of an inch long and stands only two pinheads high, with his slim, trim, bullet-shaped body he is undoubtedly the fastest Roach on four legs. BULLET's daily training routine starts early in the morning with one hundred laps around the bore of the left gun of Mount 52. The theory behind this rigorous training is to build up his leg muscles so that he won't have any trouble going over the bumps of the non-skid on the flight deck. What better practice could there be than running across the rifling in the bore of a five-inch gun? BULLET, however, is a bit overweight, as far as his trainers are concerned, so he has been put on a very strict diet of nothing but bread crumbs and peanut butter. There is no doubt in the minds of G Division that BULLET will be more than ready for the big race on the 27th, and they would welcome any competition that any Roach could give, that is, if there is a Roach on the ship that could give him(?) any competition!
- If any division on the ship would care to give its Roach some practice or lessons on how to run a race, contact GMG3 AVERY or GMGSN MULLEN.
- A late NX Division contestant ZORBA Roach, a native of Greece (and, incidentally, thrives thereon--for students of geography, Greece is a country near the after starboard deck drain in the scullery which leads to an overboard discharge sometimes used as a method of execution for overzealous Roaches) scoffed at the rumors about BULLET from G Division; said ZORBA, in a recent interview heard shipwide over KRBA, "If that cat only has four legs, he ain't even gonna be able to smell the burning rubber from my tennie runners!" Zorba, of course, has more than a leg to stand on since he sports nine appendages-- six to run with, two for reserve speed in the stretch, and a nondescript lengthy one that he uses for other sports.
- OI Division was jumping with joy last night when a Signalman passed the word down over the 21MC that WILLIE WILLIAMS was sending CHUCK ROACH back (after having had the misfortune of falling overboard yesterday) from the Hancock across the Wichita to the RBA hidden in a pallet of Beans at the midship station. Alas and alack, poor CHUCK got busted (literally) in the very first pallet load and was consigned to the deep in a traditional burial-at-sea by those humane riggers at the midship station, AS Division trainers CHRIS "COLUMBUS" HEGELE and "REDD" FOX. The Radarmen are now claiming the after lookout saw CHUCK feebly waving one leg as he floated by and are accusing AS Division of a mercy killing. Dear hearts, a moment of silence for a great athlete, CHUCK ROACH! OI Division trainers, "MUGS" HALDER and "MERRY-GO-ROUND" GRUENBERG have already started workouts with CHUCK's replacement, a fleet-footed gelding named TOSHIBA YAMAHA ROACH (unconfirmed reports claim that TOSHIBA came from Hiroshima and was a Kamikaze pilot during WW2.)
- MM1 PEARL and the "Bolshoi Ballet Cheerleaders" from the after engineroom have been rooting out loud daily as their prime candidate for gold medal honors, RAMROD ROACH continues to defeat all sparring partners in the big oval. Of course, MM1 MITCHELL and the "Main Control Madmen" are awaiting an opportunity to initiate RAMROD properly as he comes down the ladder backward into Main Control. Their candidate for M Division honors, BUSTER "BILGE CLEANER" ROACH can't seem to make it to workouts daily as the sun in the morning makes him squint so badly he loses control of his navigational sensors.
- Other interesting developments:
- A.J, the entry from OC Division succumbed to a severe shock received from an RF arc in the port side whip antenna bowl. He was in training at the time. OC Division searches on.
- IVAN "FATS" ROACHINSKY, S Division's entry, is thinning down to 18.364 milligrams. He claims a straight diet of "LITTLE NAPOLEON" MILLER's bug juice should do the trick, although the name of the liquid is revolting to him.
- HERKIMEYER P. CUMQUAT ROACH, R Division, is said to receive a daily dose of 1.38 volts from the roach battery EM1 ROBERT GATES keeps locked up in the electricians' shop.
- MMCM ARKO said the CPO's might have an important contender now that FRANKENSTEIN ROACHENHEIMER has been lured out of exile from under the sink in the CPO Mess. FRANKENSTEIN was a Bronze Medalist in the 32nd Street CPO Mess relay race in 1927.
/s/ G. M. Monteath, LCDR USN
More to Come!
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