Hillbillies, Hicks, and Rednecks

EDITOR'S NOTE:
New jokes are added to the front of this list...

Q: What do you get when you play country-western songs backwards?

A: You get your wife back, your house back, your dog back, and you sober up.

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

If two hicks get a divorce, does that mean that they are no longer cousins?

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.

All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey area!

Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.

Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back.

As he came back up Zeke noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about.

Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."

Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.

Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"

Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??

Sometime after a recent accident, Farmer Joe decided his injuries were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops to entertainin a bar in Arkansas. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smart-alek hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in Arkansas." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that big-mouth little fella on your knee!"

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

There was a man out traveling by car, and somehow became lost. He pulled into a farm yard, and immediately was struck by a strange sight: A pig was hobbling around the barnyard with two wooden legs!

In his surprise at this sight, he forgot why he came and said to the nearby farmer "You just have to tell me how that pig over there came to have two wooden legs"

The farmer replied "Wee-ell, that thar pig, is a special pig. 'bout a year ago, my little daughter fell into the crick and nearly drownded, she did, but that there pig, swum out to her, grabbed her by the collar, and dragged her to safety. Then 'bout six month ago, my house caught on fahr (fire) and that there pig run all through it, squealin' and making a turrible fuss. woke us all up and saved m' house and all"

"Now ya just cain't eat an animal like that all at once"

A group of Hillbillies celebrated in a bar. "94 days!" they hooted, "94 days!!!" They continued all through the night, slapping each other on the back and drinking everything in sight. "94 days!!!"

The bartender was pleased with the increase in sales but puzzled by all the comotion. "94 days!!!!" they slurred boastfully.

Finally, the bartender managed to pull one aside and asked, "This is quite a celebration."

"Sure is," the Hillbilly swayed, "we did it in 94 days."

"Did what?" the bartender probed.

"We put the puzzle together in 94 days." the Hillbilly beamed back.

"That must have been quite a challenge!"

"It sure was," the Hillbilly boasted, "on the end of the box it said 5 to 7 years."

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."

An old farmer decides it's time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster is still doing an okay job, but he's getting on in years. And the farmer figures getting a new rooster can't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this." He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster is a proud sort, and he definitely thinks he's more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," says the young rooster. "And since you're so old, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," says the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion . He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself...

"Crap, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"