No Pun Intended

EDITOR'S NOTE:
New jokes are added to the front of this list.

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were cold. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank shortly thereafter. This proves once and for all that, "You can't heat your kyak and have it, too!!"

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they named him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A woman marries a traveling salesman. He's a nice guy, but he's never at home. She is very lonely, so she decides to have him cloned. This way when the original is gone, the clone can take his place. There is only one problem. He curses all the time. At first she thought she could take it, but it soon became tiresome and sometimes really embarrasing. Finally,she can stand no more, so she pushes him down an elevator shaft to this death. The District Attorney couldn't decide what do do, because there was no precident for such a case. He could not arrest the woman for murder since the clone was not the real person, and was only a copy. Finally he decided to charge the woman with making an obscene clone fall.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. Then he went and asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the florist business. They ignored her, too, so the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to quit. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying that they had to quit their florist business. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!!"

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
The other one says, "No, I lost an electron".
The first atom says, "Are you sure?"
The other one says, "Yes, I'm positive!!"